Back before the little house on the prairie
I knew a guy that got a tad hairy
He’s got full moon fever and he can’t crack it
He’s been moulting on his letterman jacket

Call up Hoss and call Laura Ingalls
On the highway to heaven where your spine don’t tingle
You wouldn’t like him if he gets annoyed
If Lucy’s on more covers of the T.V. Guide

Michael Landon bit me (he’s a crazy guy)
Michael Landon bit me (no, not the human fly)
Michael Landon bit me (and I don’t know why)

I’ve seen Tony Rivers when the moon comes up
His family got him when he was a pup
Biting on an ankle, chewing on a thigh
From the Carpathian mountains to Rockdale High

They gave him a treatment that looked attractive
Here’s a serum that’s psychoactive
Poor old Tony takes the bait
Now he’s reverted to a primitive state

Teenage caveman, teenage vamp
Full of angst and teenage camp
Teenage werewolf, teenage cat
Teenage this and teenage that
There must be something that we missed
I was a Teenage Communist
Michael Landon bit me and I don’t know why